Magical Me, Memory of a Celebrity
by Hidden Decay
Summary: When Severus Snape hears of an odd patient in a Muggle hospital, he goes in search of the Wizarding World's missing Celebrity. SeverusLockart slash fic.


Author's Note- I'm aware this isn't a popular pairing, but I love it. Feedback is muchly appreciated and if anyone fancies seeing a Snarry that is rated to highly for ffnet, feel free to give my LJ hidden(underscore)decay a look. It's rated R18 though, so be of age, please. I hope you like this fic. Ta-ta!

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His feet crunched over the rubble, his boots covered in soot as he kicked up ashes. The building that lay in ruins round him was once the grand wizarding hospital. There were officials milling about and Severus Snape had no idea which one he should speak with.

Eventually he was approached by a short, weedy little wizard with silver-rimmed specs. "Are you looking for something, sir?"

"The list of the missing," Severus said shortly.

"Ah, I have that here… somewhere," the wizards said, fumbling about his papers. "Aha," he said and pulled out the parchment.

Severus took it and unrolled the long list, his eyes scanning quickly over the names. He let out a breath when his black eyes fell on one, Gilderoy Lockhart. His heart sank. "Thank you," he muttered, shoving the list back at the man.

"Did you find what you were looking for, sir?"

"I'm afraid so," Severus said, and with a loud crack, he Apparated away.

---------------------------

Severus cursed the Muggle contraption as it took another sharp turn, tossing him to the side. He braced himself with a hand on the filthy window and grimaced. He itched to hex the people sitting and standing round him, most of them adolescents with their ridiculous clothing, chatting away on those little black and silver thingies.

Someone once explained to Severus that they were actually small telephones but Severus was convinced they just spoke to themselves on them. After all, he knew what teenagers were like. He'd taught them for years and he remembered well how much they loved to hear their own voices.

The bus took another sharp turn and then came to what Severus thought was a very unnecessarily sudden stop. He adjusted his clothing, his ridiculous Muggle trousers and shirt, and crossed his arms. He tried to look as unfriendly as possible so no one would think to sit near him. It worked most of the bus ride.

This time, however, he was unsuccessful. A Muggle woman, chatting away on her "mobile", was paying no mind to Severus and took a seat next to him. Annoyed, Severus shifted as far away from her as he could manage and tried not to listen to her prattle on.

She was hardly an adolescent, her reddish hair streaked with silver, and she wore hospital scrubs, though Severus had never seen them before. She had the phone pressed in between her ear and her shoulder and she was fumbling about with her bag as she spoke.

"I know darling, it's the strangest thing. He thinks he's a celebrity. Maybe he was one but I think I've seen every film ever made and I don't recognise him at all." The woman paused and began to nod. "Yes, exactly. He doesn't say much, though he insists all the nurses are hiding his fan mail. He keeps asking for his peacock feather quill, not a clue what that's supposed to be."

The last thing the woman said rang loudly in Severus' ears. He looked over at the woman sharply but she was still paying no attention to anyone or anything around her.

"Yes I know! It's the strangest thing. No, I have no idea where he came from. He was just suddenly on my patient list and his patient history is oddly blank. I think he's one of those random, mad tramps that they picked up. He doesn't look it though, he's immaculately clean. His teeth are perfectly straight, white and he spends hours each morning on his hair. Mmhmm, he's a blonde." The woman laughed a bit. "Exactly. He's about my age, I'd reckon. I dunno what to do with him. They're trying to find a doctor to suit him but none of the psychiatrists are working out." The woman paused for a bit longer. "Okay darling, it's almost my stop. I'll ring you later this evening." The woman pushed a button on the "mobile" and tucked it back into her bag.

It was at this moment she noticed Severus staring at her. She shifted uncomfortably, looked away, and then looked back at him. "Might I help you?" she asked in a clipped tone.

_Just keep incognito _, Severus reminded himself. He opened his mouth. "I believe I can offer assistance with your patient." It was the oddest thing. For some reason, the words came out in a French accent. Severus sneered disgustedly at himself. _Incognito, not foreign you fool. We can be English, we live in England. And now we've slipped into the royal we_. Severus rolled his eyes and realised he'd just missed everything the woman had said while he was having his internal row.

"Sorry?" Severus said. "I'm a bit hard of hearing." _Great, and now she thinks you're deaf as well. _

The woman smiled. "I just asked if you were a doctor."

"I am a psychiatrist of Muggles," Severus said and then realised he'd slipped up. "I mean of men and women with memory problems."

"Ah," the woman said with a slight frown, "then I believe this man might be right for you. Do you work here?"

"I'm visiting from France where I work," Severus said, feeling more clever as the minutes passed. "What hospital are you at?"

The woman gave him the name and address of the psychology ward she worked at. "He's been there for about six months now, though I've just got him under my care three weeks ago. He's a rather interesting chap, nice enough if not totally barmy."

The bus screeched to another sudden stop and Severus glowered at the driver. "Blast this horrid contraption," he growled.

The woman laughed as she stood. "Don't worry, I'm not keen on the bus myself, but my car's just broken and I've got to rely on public transportation until it's fixed. This is my stop."

"Mine as well," Severus fumbled, wanting more information out of the woman. Together they exited the bus and started off down the street. "So this man… does he have a name?"

"I'd rather not give it out," the woman said. "But if you're a psychiatrist I'm sure you could stop by and see if perhaps you can assess him. Memory being your speciality, I'm sure they'd love to have you on board." The woman stopped. "What did you say your name was?"

"Jean Paul Sartre," Severus blurted out. _Idiot ._

"Er…" the woman said.

Severus gave a pathetically fake laugh. "My parents were… rather odd."

"I see. So Dr Sartre, shall I look forward to seeing you then?"

"Oh absolutely," Severus said. "Au revior." Severus inwardly smacked himself. He didn't even speak French. This was going to be an utter disaster.

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It took Severus sometime to decide how he was going to accomplish this new mission. He knew he needed to acquire falsified Muggle documents naming him Dr Jean Paul Sartre. Jean Paul Sartre. Severus wanted to kick himself. In public. So everyone would realise what an idiot he was.

And the worst part of all… there was only one person Severus knew that could possibly acquire the paperwork he need. And Severus really, really, REALLY didn't want to as him. But by the end of the day, Severus knew he had no choice.

"Bugger," Severus muttered outside the door to said man's office the next day. This was worse than apologising to a former student for being a slimy git. This was worse than tea with Dumbledore. Severus raised his fist, hesitated, and the knocked.

"Come in!" the irritatingly familiar voice called.

Severus groaned as he turned the doorknob and walked in. The office was irritatingly decorated in framed photos and brightly coloured furniture. Severus winced at a particularly happy photo of that stupid werewolf who was waving and grinning like the fool he was.

Severus looked over at the desk and gulped.

"Severus?" he asked with wide eyes, his voice dripping with wonder and surprise.

"Mr Potter," Severus managed.

"Er… have a seat," Harry said, gesturing to the chairs across from his desk. "What brings you by?"

Severus sighed loudly as he lowered himself into the dreadfully uncomfortable seat and crossed his arms. "Well, Mr Potter, I've come… I need…" Severus shook his head and decided to start over. "As much as this pains me to ask you of all people, I need a favour."

Harry's green eyes widened, his glasses raising up a bit when his eyebrows lifted. "A favour? From me?"

"Need I repeat myself, Mr Potter? Seven years out of my classroom and you still cannot pay attention to what I'm saying."

Harry laughed. "I'm just surprised is all. What can I possibly offer you?"

"Papers," Severus bit out.

"Papers?"

"Yes. Muggle papers. Papers to help me prove that I am a French Muggle psychologist specialising in Muggle Memory charms, or whatever the Muggle equivalent to that is."

"Might I ask what this is for?"

"No you may not," Severus snapped. "Either you can get them or you cannot."

"I can get them," Harry said slowly, "but the curiosity is overwhelming."

Severus sighed. "I believe I've found one of our missing wizards from the attack at St Mungo's, but getting to him is going to be tricky."

"How did you learn this, and who is it you've found?" Harry pressed.

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I happened upon a Muggle woman having a conversation over her little mobile thingy and she described a person that sounds remarkably like Lockhart."

Harry's jaw dropped. "Lockhart? And you want to go and find him?"

"Yes well I…" Severus floundered.

Harry shook his head. "Why? Why not just inform the Minister?"

"Because I want to see for myself if it's true," Severus snapped.

"But why…" Harry started but when he looked at Severus' face he realised it. "Oh. Oh! You and Lockhart were… oh. Ew," he added with a small sneer.

"You criticise me when you are buggering that animal," Severus sneered.

Harry crossed his arms and flushed. "Remus is not an animal."

"Never mind the fact that he turns into one each full moon," Severus replied petulantly.

"Well how long were you two… I mean when were you two…" Harry shook his head. "Never mind. I know."

Severus rolled his eyes. He was perfectly aware that he and Lockhart weren't exactly being subtle during Harry's second year. Severus sat back in his chair. "Well I think it's only fair that you help me… free of charge," Severus said with a smirk.

"Free of charge? Why the hell would I do that?" Harry exclaimed.

"Because you are, really, directly responsible for Lockhart's current state. If you hadn't forced him down into the Chamber of Secrets, he would have never tried to curse you and consequently would not be missing and possibly locked up in some mental institution without a clue who he is today."

Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times before sitting back in his chair and glowering at Snape. "If the git hadn't claimed to be something he wasn't…"

"He would not have been your professor and I wouldn't have had almost an entire year of good sex. So do me this goddamned favour, Potter, so I can get on with my life and not have to see you for these delightful little visits."

Harry sighed, reached into his desk and pulled out a pad of paper. "Fine, I'll do it. Free of charge." Harry paused to roll his eyes. "Did you speak to this woman for long?"

"A fair few minutes," Severus said.

"Did you get her name?"

Severus frowned. "No, I suppose I didn't."

"Did you give her a name?"

Severus' cheeks tinged a bit pink and he looked down, muttering, "Jeanpaulsartre."

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch all of that," Harry said with a slightly amused grin.

Severus glowered up at Harry and bit out very slowly, "I'm a French psychologist that goes by the name Jean Paul Sartre."

Harry burst into giggles and covered his mouth. Severus glared angrily until Harry composed himself enough to ask, "How did you manage that?"

"It just sort of slipped out."

Harry snorted and shook his head. "She must've wondered."

"I told her my parents were rather odd."

"They must've been for you to have come up with that."

"Thank you, Mr Potter," Severus snapped.

"So, Dr Jean Paul Sartre of… did you name the hospital?"

"No, any will do."

"University?"

"I know of none," Severus replied with a shrug.

Harry sighed. "Fine. Come back in two days and I'll have all the paperwork for you. You've got your work cut out for you, Snape. I hope you're up to the challenge."

Severus grunted and stood, heading for the door. Just as he exited, he heard Harry call out after him, "And I hope he's worth the trouble."

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Two anxious days passed before Severus got the owl from Harry saying that all of the papers had arrived. When Severus entered Harry's office, he saw the young man sitting in a chair next to that disgustingly cheerful werewolf, Remus Lupin.

"Oh lovely," Severus muttered. "I won't stay long."

"There's no need to rush off on my account, Severus," Remus chirped happily.

Severus rolled his eyes. "Trust me, there is. Do you have my things, Potter?"

Harry pat the top of the box that was sitting on the top of his desk. "Papers, badge, past history, University and uniform," Harry said with a smile.

"Uniform?" Severus asked with trepidation.

"Scrubs, what Muggle doctors wear."

"I'd imagine my trousers will do just fine," Severus snapped, taking the box. He started for the door.

"No thank you, how typical."

Severus turned and smirked at Harry. "We'll see how my arse feels in two weeks. Then you might get your thank you."

Harry chuckled and called out, "Good luck, Severus," as the snarky man walked out the door.

Back at his home, Severus unpacked the box and began to go through all of the paperwork. Apparently he was a forty-seven year old man from Lyons. He had a PhD in psychology, lived and worked, primarily, in Paris, France. He was in London to survey a few other hospitals there and decide if a change in country was the right choice for him.

It was all so stupid, so pointless, yet it was clever. He had to give Harry points for that. It was so simple that none would doubt him. He put aside the "scrubs" and found tucked inside the box a small "mobile", much like the woman was carrying. It was switched off and totally confused, Severus began to press random buttons until it chimed and the screen turned white.

Severus dropped it in surprise and peered into the box, finding a small handwritten note of instruction.

**You need to look authentic. Push the green button to talk when the mobile rings, pus the red button with the circle to turn it on or off. I'll phone you randomly to make it look authentic. Good Luck Severus.**

**H Potter **

Severus rolled his eyes and then started when the small device began to chime out Für Elise. Severus picked up the mobile, pushed the green button and held it to his ear like he had seen the Muggles do. "Er… " he said, feeling like a complete idiot.

"Severus," Harry said with a laugh. "I'm glad you've got this working."

"It's a ridiculous, pointless contraption," Severus said.

"Well Dr Sartre, it's also something all doctors carry about with them. It'll help, trust me."

"Indeed, but it also means I must hear your voice more and I'd rather risk being found out."

"Don't be such a stubborn git," Harry said. "I've made you an appointment to speak with Dr Owens, the person overseeing Lockhart's ward, and you're meeting with him in the lobby tomorrow at nine. I'll phone you later."

The mobile went silent and Severus, having no idea what to do with the thing, switched it off with the button he used to switch it on. He tossed it onto the pile of scrubs, gathered the papers together and prepared for his meeting the next day.

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Severus was standing in the lobby of the hospital at a quarter to nine. He was dressed in a Muggle suit, looking rather well put together and horribly uncomfortable. Severus hated being surrounded by Muggles; he felt judged by them, different than them, and it reminded him too much of his days at school.

Before long, a very tall man with a full head of white hair and rather wrinkled face approached Severus. "Dr Sartre?"

Severus extended his hand and nearly forgot his French accent when he said, "Yes, hello."

Dr Owens shook Severus' hand firmly and smiled. "Ah yes, it is a pleasure. I have heard of you, and not because of your… ahem… unusual name."

Severus chuckled, mostly because of his own stupidity and shrugged. "Yes, I do thank my parents for that little joke they played on me." Severus was certain his accent sounded completely false and rather ridiculous but Dr Owens seemed fooled by it.

The man grinned. "Well I had read your article on the loss of memory and how the brain stem is affected and found it to be rather enlightening."

Severus frowned. What the hell was this man on about? Article on memory? Then Severus realised Harry must've used a memory charm on the man to make it all seem even more authentic. He hated being indebted to that little brat but he also admitted that he probably couldn't get the job done without Potter's help.

"Ah, well I'm pleased you found it to be helpful," Severus said.

"This field is a particularly difficult one, as you well know," Dr Owens began as he ushered Severus towards the lift. "It requires a lot of patience and a lot of faith. Often times our patients heal themselves and we have no idea how. I'm just amazed you got that far into research at such a young age."

"Well I'm hardly a young man," Severus said with a snort.

Dr Owens laughed and clapped Severus on the back. "Compared to me you're a teenager."

Severus cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably as they rose to the fifth floor. "So this patient, do you know his name?"

"He is self proclaimed celebrity, Gilderoy Lockhart," Owens said with a dramatic bow and then laughed. "He rather has the look of someone pampered and used to attention. I'm not sure who he is. We've been unable to locate his true identity and he only recently remembered his own name."

"Hmmm," Severus said, pretending to ponder this. In reality, Severus was trying to come up with a clever way to break Lockhart free of the Muggle hospital without arousing the suspicion of either government and without the use of magic. "Any distinctive personality traits?"

Owens shrugged. "He says odd things." The lift doors opened and the pair started down the corridor. "He tends to ask for items which see to come out of a fantasy picture."

"Such as…"

"A wand. He often asks for his wand. He's asked for a number of foods, sweets we later learnt, that don't exist. Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, Liquorice Wands, Droobles Best Blowing Gum. He also wants to know where we've hidden his turquoise robes and his peacock feather quill."

"I see," Severus said, scratching his chin.

Dr Owens gestured towards a closed door. "This is his room. I'll give you say… oh… an hour to assess him and then I'll come on back and see how things have progressed."

"Sounds reasonable," Severus said and shook hands with Dr Owens again. As the other man walked away, Severus pushed the door open and stepped inside.

The room was very much Lockhart, with brightly coloured paintings adorning the walls, the window wide open and an array of books and papers spread about the furniture. Lockhart himself was seated in his chair with his slippered feet resting atop the desk. He had his hands behind his impeccably groomed blonde hair and he smiled up at Severus.

"Ah, you're not a doctor. You must be a fan of mine." Lockhart stood and extended his hand. "It is a true honour for you, I'm sure. But don't be intimidated, dear fellow, I am a person after all, just like you." Lockhart looked at Snape's greasy hair and sallow skin and then grimaced. "_Almost _like you."

Severus snorted. "Ever the same, Gilderoy."

Lockhart pulled his hand back and frowned at Severus. "You know me?"

"I'm afraid so," Severus said in a low voice, dropping the accent for a moment and then quickly recovering.

Gilderoy took two steps away from him. "You look so familiar. Like I could reach out and touch the memory… but I can't." He gave a frustrated growl and dropped his hand to his side. "You're not a fan, are you?"

"Not in the traditional sense," Severus said. He crossed his arms lightly. "Do you remember much of anything, Gilderoy?"

The blonde man shook his head and collapsed back into his chair. "Just that my things are missing and I don't think I am where I ought to be." He waved his hand about the room. "Nothing here acts properly and the people are not… right."

Severus chuckled. "You are in a psychiatric hospital, Gilderoy, of course they aren't right."

"I don't mean sound; I mean they do things differently. And I can't find my wand."

"Gilderoy, do you know what a wand is?" Severus asked.

Gilderoy smiled and shrugged. "Not really, only that I ought to have one."

"I see," Severus said. He walked up to face Gilderoy and put a hand on the man's shoulder. Gilderoy looked down at Severus' hand and then up into his black eyes. There was a spark of recognition, or Severus thought there was. Then, Gilderoy smiled and said, "You have nice hands. Rather like mine. Perhaps we go to the same manicurist."

Severus pulled his hand away and rolled his eyes. "I don't go to a manicurist."

"Oh come now, old chap, no need to be ashamed of such a thing. You can still be…" Gilderoy nudged Severus in the ribs with his elbow and winked, "… manly and have pampered hands."

Severus let out a growl, grabbed the sides of Gilderoy's face and tiled his head back. He peered into his eyes, prodded at his skin a bit and then let him go. "I'm going to be your doctor from now on," he said.

"What's your name?" Gilderoy asked.

"Jean Paul Sartre," Severus said with a snort.

"That doesn't sound right," Gilderoy said with a frown.

Severus let out a small snort. "Yes well, that's who I am." For the moment. Severus took a seat across from Gilderoy, clasped his hands over the top of the desk and said, "So Gilderoy, why don't you tell me what you do remember."

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An hour passed rather slowly for Severus and by the time Dr Owens arrived for him, Gilderoy had told Severus everything he remembered. Which was next to nothing. When Dr Owens arrived with Gilderoy's medication, Gilderoy took it easily and then went to lie down.

Severus followed Dr Owens back to his office and sat down across from the old man. "He is very intriguing," Severus said.

"Yes, he is," Dr Owens replied. "Do you have any thoughts?"

"Many," Severus said. "I'd like to keep seeing him, if it's all the same to you."

"It's not normally something we could allow, but as the man has no proper identification nor does he know who he is, I'll allow it. I'll officially bring you onto the board and you can see Gilderoy as many times as you feel is necessary."

"I'd like him off his medications," Severus said in a rush. "I have a few ideas but they require him to have a sober mind. He must stay off of them for twenty-four hours before I can begin the treatment."

"If you think it's best," Dr Owens said sceptically. "I don't like to take patients off the medications so suddenly but…"

"It is necessary and if it becomes too stressful for him he can go back on," Severus said in a rush.

"Fair enough," Owens said. "Anything else?"

"Just keep him away from the other patients until I think he's ready," Severus said. He knew that if he kept Gilderoy isolated he'd have an easier time getting his memories back. As it was, he was already coming up with several possible potions that would aid in the recovery process. "I should go," Severus said. "I'll return this time tomorrow to begin the first initial treatment."

"Merci beaucoup," Owens said, offering his hand.

Severus flushed, having no idea what to say to the man, nodded and hurried out of the hospital. He didn't bother with the public transport and rushed to the nearest alley to Apparate back to his home.

Severus spent the next six hours locked away in his laboratory making cauldron after cauldron of possible potions to bring back Lockhart's missing memories.

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On the way to the hospital, the horrid little mobile that Severus had forgotten all about began to chime in his pocket. He pulled it out and pushed the button. "What?"

Harry's voice laughed on the other end. "Nice to hear from you too, Snape. Was it him?"

"You knew it was him," Severus snapped. "What do you want?"

"To make sure things are still going well."

"The memory charm was a nice touch," Severus said. "It would help if I had known you planted a memory of an article that I wrote. I looked a bit of an idiot."

"Sorry bout that," Harry said. "Do you need anything else?"

"Not from you… not yet. I'll have to take Gilderoy out of here eventually and I'll need proof of his identity."

"Muggle or Wizard?"

"His real identity."

"I'll see what I can do without rousing suspicion."

Severus sighed. "I don't want the Ministry involved in this, Potter. They'll only want to lock him away again."

Harry was silent a moment before he said, "Why Severus Snape, I never thought I'd see the day when you actually cared about another being besides yourself."

"You're too cliché, Mr Potter. Goodbye." Severus pushed the button to ring off and shoved the mobile into his pocket. The bus was coming to a stop in front of the hospital and Severus did his best to get into character.

A Doctor.

Jean Paul Sartre.

A French man who didn't speak a word of French.

It was going to be a complete disaster if he didn't watch his steps very, very carefully.

Severus walked into the hospital lobby and instead of waiting there, he rode the lift straight up to Owens' office. The older man was waiting for him and as soon as Severus stepped into the office, Owens handed him a badge. "This'll let you into any ward you need to go in," Owens said. "Gilderoy is waiting for you; he seems to be taking to the loss of medication rather well."

"I thought he might," Severus said and at Owens' curious eyebrow lift, Severus added, "I've dealt with patients like him before. They all tend to react the same to drugs."

"Ah, well I look forward to watching your progress, Dr Sartre."

Severus nodded. "If you don't mind, I'd like to begin."

"As you wish. Page me if you need anything."

Severus hurried out of the office and straight to Gilderoy's room. Lockhart was sitting at his desk just as he had been the day before and he smiled at Severus when he entered. "Ah, you again."

"Yes, me," Severus said. "Anything I ought to know about, Mr Lockhart?"

"They stopped my medication. I thought it a bit odd but it does make my eyes clearer. It's always good for one to have clear eyes, especially when one is admired by many witches."

Severus froze. "Witches?"

Gilderoy frowned, looking confused. "Sorry?"

"You just said witches," Severus pointed out as he took a seat near Lockhart.

"Did I?" Gilderoy asked with a raised brow and then he laughed. "How silly of me."

"Yes, silly indeed," Severus said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a phial; the first experiment. "Do you recognise this?"

Gilderoy took up the phial in his hands and turned it in the light. The rays of the sun bounced off the light blue, shimmering liquid. "Should I?"

It was a brand new potion so technically Gilderoy should not have recognised it. Still, it greatly resembled many of the hair care products that Gilderoy had prized so highly before his little accident.

"Not really," Severus answered eventually. "It's a new medication and I'd like you to drink that."

"What will it do?" Gilderoy asked sceptically.

"Hopefully it will give your memories back," Severus said mildly.

"What sort of side effects will it have?" Gilderoy pressed. "I can't take it if it's something physical. I must keep up appearances, you know."

"It's been well tested. No physical side effects," Severus assured him. That, of course, was a blatant lie. The potion had not been tested once, but Severus knew what to say to gain Gilderoy's trust. He had, after all, won his trust enough to bugger him… once upon a time.

Gilderoy turned the phial in his hands a few more times before breaking the wax seal, uncorking it and drinking it in one go. "It tasted awful," Gilderoy said as he set the empty glass on the top of the desk.

"Well I didn't have time to properly flavour it," Severus sneered. Sitting back, Severus opened up his jacket and reached into an inside pocket. He pulled out a quill and a small bottle of ink. Next he pulled out a rolled up piece of blank parchment and placed them all on the desk.

Gilderoy stared at them as though they were poisonous snakes. "What are those?"

"Don't you know?" Severus asked, pushing them towards Gilderoy. The blonde pushed his chair back away from the desk and shook his head. Severus picked up the quill, dipped it into the ink and wrote on the parchment,

**Gilderoy Lockhart **

He did his best to make the name big and elaborate, just as Gilderoy had always done. "What about now?" Severus asked and offered the quill to Lockhart.

Lockhart's fingers twitched for several moments before he reached over and plucked the quill from Severus' hands. He dipped it into the ink and signed the signature that was known to almost every witch in the Wizarding World.

"That's more like it," Gilderoy said happily. "Now if they'd just give me my fan mail things can get back to normal."

Severus sighed. "You aren't getting fan mail here, Gilderoy."

The blonde frowned, looking rather like a put-out child. "Why not? I get so much fan mail a day the owls can barely keep up."

Severus raised his eyebrow at the use of the word owls but he decided not to comment. Instead he said, "You're rather far from home, Gilderoy. The fan mail can't reach you here."

Gilderoy looked down sadly and sighed. "I thought as much." Then he yawned and added, "I'm rather sleepy. I think it's your medication. I believe a kip is in order. You're free to join me, Doctor."

Severus snorted at the irony of the statement. You're free to join me. It was too close to what Gilderoy had said the first time Severus had ended up in his bed. He was eager to say yes years ago. This time, however, he stood and said his goodbyes. "I'll be back tomorrow to check on how the medication is working."

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Four weeks into the treatment, Severus arrived at his home to find an owl waiting for him. He recognised the owl as belonging to Potter and quickly took the parchment from her leg. Severus unrolled the letter and read a request for Severus' presence in Harry's office as soon as possible.

Severus sighed, changed out of his Muggle garb and headed for Harry's office. When he walked inside, he saw Harry sitting at his desk. Harry looked up and smiled. "Oh I wasn't expecting you today."

"Well I'm here," Severus said with a shrug. "What did you need?"

Harry reached under his desk and pulled out a box. He placed it on the desktop and pushed it towards Severus. "This just arrived."

Severus pried the top of the box off and peered inside. With bated breath, he removed a stack of papers, several fancy quills made of exotic bird feathers and a long, thin box. He carefully removed the top of the smaller box and found a mahogany wand lying inside. Severus looked up at Harry with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't worry, no one knows I've sent for these things," Harry assured him. "I got them from his Gringotts' Vault."

"How?" Severus demanded as he gingerly replaced everything.

Harry chuckled. "I have my contacts. Do you need anything else?"

"His memory back," Severus snapped.

Harry smiled softly. "You really do love him, don't you?"

Severus snorted. "No, he was merely the best shag I'd ever had, and I'd like to have it again."

Harry burst into laughter. "You can fool almost anyone, Severus, except me."

"And why might that be, Mr Potter?" Severus asked with a sneer.

"Because just like you, I am madly in love." Harry gave a small shrug and turned his attention back to his papers.

Severus shrank the box and tucked it into his pocket. "If _you _really believe something like that, Mr Potter, _I _must believe the war really did drive you mad."

-----------------------------

Weeks passed in the treatments, which turned into months, with no change in Gilderoy. Severus tried every combination of every potion he knew and nothing. He a notoriously impatient man, especially for a potions' master so when Gilderoy still showed no change after six months, Severus was ready to give up.

Severus arrived at the hospital two hours earlier on the morning he planned to announce his last treatment. He was dressed in something casual Potter had sent; black cotton trousers and a black woollen jumper. He walked to the lift and bypassed Owens' office, heading straight for Gilderoy's room.

When he entered, Gilderoy was sitting near the window, one leg pulled up to his chest. He looked up as Severus entered and the potions' master noticed that Gilderoy's eyes were rather red and glassy. "Problems today?" Severus asked.

Gilderoy continued to stare for some time, saying absolutely nothing. Severus sighed, closed the door and started to walk towards the blonde. "Anything you want to talk about?"

Without a word, Gilderoy suddenly stood and rushed towards Severus. He threw his arms round Severus' neck and began to kiss him almost violently.

Out of shock, Severus grabbed Lockhart by the shoulders and threw him back. Gilderoy stumbled backwards, tripped over the chair and fell on his arse. He looked up at Severus with almost child-like confusion. "What did I do?" he asked, his bottom lip quivering.

Severus straightened his jumper. "What are you doing, Lockhart?" he snapped, dropping his accent.

"I… you… what am I supposed to do when I see you?" Lockhart asked, slowly getting to his feet. He took a step towards Severus and Severus took a step back.

They continued this until Severus was backed up against the wall. Lockhart slowly brought up his hands and ran them into Severus' hair. "Isn't this how we are, Severus?"

Snape froze and looked Lockhart in the eye. "You… called me Severus."

Lockhart looked suddenly frightened and dropped his hands. "Some of the memories… in my sleep… I don't know what to make of them."

Severus grabbed Lockhart's wrists unkindly, shoving Lockhart back slightly. "What exactly do you remember?" he hissed.

Lockhart looked utterly terrified and struggled against Severus' grasp. "I… I don't know. I don't know." His voice took on a loud, hysterical tone and Severus looked nervously towards the door.

"I'm not going to harm you, but it is imperative that you tell me exactly what you remember," Severus said in a low tone and dropped Lockhart's wrists. "Sit down," he commanded.

Lockhart backed up, collapsed in the nearest chair and looked at Severus with fearful eyes. "A lot of things, and nothing," he started. "I remember you, Severus. I remember working with you and… other things."

"Other things?" Severus pressed.

"Buggery and other such deeds," Lockhart said with a small smile.

"Ah," Severus said with a neutral expression.

"I remember that these people are Muggles and that I am not one of them. I know I can make things happen that they can't and that I would very much like to go home."

"Well I have something…" Severus began but the door opened.

In walked Owens carrying a syringe and he was looking down at a chart. "Time for your medication, Gilderoy, and please no fighting today." Owens said and looked up. His jaw dropped and he hastily let the syringe hand fall to his side. "Why Dr Sartre. You're here rather early."

"Indeed," Severus said with a glare. "I thought we agreed no medication."

"Yes well… he's been a bit unruly lately and he is still my patient…"

Severus clenched his jaw and his hands twitched, wanting to grab his wand. "The medication you've been giving him has interfered with my treatments," he hissed. "How dare you do this without consulting me first."

"I've been without for three days," Gilderoy declared suddenly.

"He's been fighting me," Owens said with a defeated sigh.

Severus looked from Owens to Lockhart, unsure what to do. It was a split second decision. He pulled out his wand and cast stupefy. Owens hit the ground, the syringe rolling off somewhere beneath Gilderoy's bed.

"Oh God," Gilderoy moaned, not just from the shock of seeing Owens hit the ground but from the recognition of magic as well.

Severus reached into his pocket and drew out the tiny box with Lockhart's wand. He resized it and handed it to the other man.

Lockhart took it gingerly in his hands, running his fingers up and down the wood for a bit. Then he whispered, "Obliviate," though the wand stayed silent. "I remember." He looked up at Severus and laughed. "How?"

"I'm not entirely certain but I'm going to need help." Severus pulled out the mobile, which he had almost mastered, and dialled Potter's number. It took some time before Harry's voice sounded on the other line.

"Yes?"

"I'm desperately in need of your assistance. Lockhart's remembered everything but I've had to hex the Muggle doctor and everyone who's come into contact with Gilderoy are going to need their memories modified. Do you know enough wizards?"

Harry was silent for quite some time. Eventually he let out a long breath and said, "Jesus, Severus. I… think I can _possibly _come up with a staff but… but it's going to take me some time."

"How long do you need?" Severus asked hurriedly.

"At least an hour. Can you manage?"

Severus glanced over at Owens and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Possibly, but I need you to hurry."

"I'll do my best," Harry said in a rush and rang off.

Severus dropped the phone onto the desk and turned to face Lockhart. "We're going to leave here today," he said.

"And go where?" Lockhart asked timidly.

Severus gave a small shrug. "My home, I suppose."

Lockhart swallowed and then nodded. "I'm so confused."

Severus dropped into the chair next to Lockhart. He recounted the ingredients of the potions he had used on the man. "Confusion is to be expected. The potions I've been giving you have been fighting against the Muggle medication and they've reacted more suddenly rather than gradually. It'll get easier from here on."

Lockhart, who was trembling slightly, nodded again. "Thank you."

Severus sighed. "Don't thank me yet."

When Potter and eight other wizards Apparated into Gilderoy Lockhart's hospital room, one hour and fifteen minutes had passed.

"You're late," Severus sneered, standing immediately. He looked round at Harry's team and recognised none of them.

"Oh are you bloody well joking, Potter?" one of the Irish wizards demanded. "We're risking our jobs for Lockhart and Snape?"

"You're doing your job, rather, Mr…" Severus said.

"Finnegan," the wizard said exasperatedly. "Five years of Potions and you don't recognise me."

"You weren't very memorable, Mr Finnegan," Severus said with a shrug.

"Alright gents," Harry said, "you know your jobs. Get to it."

Severus watched with a slight bit of trepidation as most of the wizards covered themselves with invisibility cloaks and headed out of the room. "What are they going to do?" Severus demanded in a rush.

"They're going to take care of the other staff and patients. We're planting false paperwork for Gilderoy's falsified release. I'm going to take care of this bloke here and you and Gildy-boy are going to make your get away."

"You're an asshole," Severus sneered but hurried over to Gilderoy and pulled him up. "You're going to need to Apparate but I'd feel more confident if you held on to me."

"Alright," Gilderoy said and placed his arms round Severus' waist.

"I'll owl you when we're finished," Harry said and waved them off.

Severus nodded, closed his eyes and with a loud crack, was gone. The couple appeared in the middle of Severus' lounge and Severus let out a huge breath when he saw Gilderoy was safe and still with him. He pulled away from the blonde and began to change out of his Muggle clothing.

"What do I do?" Gilderoy asked.

Severus shrugged. "I suppose you'll be wanting tea or something of that… comforting nature," Severus said, sneering the word comforting.

Gilderoy let out a small chuckle. "To be honest, I could do with something a bit harder."

Severus looked on the clock resting on the mantle and then looked over at his liquor cabinet. "Well, seeing as you've been off the potions for today, I don't see how a little liquor could harm things." Severus took two snifters from the cabinet and poured them each two fingers of brandy.

Severus handed one snifter to Gilderoy and sat next to him on the sofa. He took a long drink of the liquid and then looked over at his companion.

"It feels like an eternity since I've had any of this," Gilderoy said with a laugh.

"Probably because it has been," Severus answered. "You've been in the hospital for a number of years."

"I know," Gilderoy said.

"Do you remember them?"

"Not all of them," the blonde said and took another long drink. "But many of them. It's odd now, remembering when I couldn't remember myself. I don't know how to explain it."

"I can well imagine," Severus said. Severus looked down at his hands and then said, very softly, "I'm glad you're home."

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**S Snape**

**The problem with the hospital has been taken care of. All of the records have been altered and one hundred and four memories have been modified. This was the most work I've ever had to do and luckily I had enough on my team that were loyal to me and not to the Ministry. You and your darling lover should be safe enough. The papers I gave you assure his sanity and freedom from St Mungo's, though if the treatments don't work, owl me and we can arrange for him to go back.**

**This took some serious effort, Snape. You owe me about a thousand blowjobs for this. (Well apparently Remus doesn't think you'll find that funny but I have a feeling you have a secret sense of humour.) If you need anything, feel free to ask. Believe me though, if you do need anything else, my prices have gone way up. I'm going on holiday because of this. I think you ought to as well. **

**H Potter **

----------------------------------------

A year had passed and Gilderoy Lockhart's new book, **Magical Me; Memory of a Celebrity **had been on the best sellers list for over six months. Gilderoy was back on top of the celebrity world. He still lived with Severus in that run-down little cottage and they were happy. Well, as happy as one could be in such a strange and often volatile relationship.

It was late in the evening when the front door opened and Gilderoy strode in. He removed his bright blue cloak and dropped it on the floor. Severus, who was sitting at his desk working on his bookkeeping for his apothecary. He looked up as Gilderoy walked in and rolled his eyes.

"Glad to see you home," he sneered.

"Oh Severus, the queue! You should have seen it! Bigger than it has been all year! There were people lined up all the way round the building." Gilderoy dropped into the chair nearest to Severus' desk and propped his legs up on the arm.

"How thrilling," Severus said.

"I really _am _back."

"I'm utterly delighted for you," Severus said dryly.

"This time I think there were more wizards than witches queuing."

"So rumours of your sexuality have grown stronger. Pity," Severus said without looking up.

"Oh but you should have seen the wizards, Severus. So young and fresh. I can't believe the look of young men today. They're so…"

Severus looked up with heated eyes. "Are you deliberately trying to annoy me, Lockhart?"

Gilderoy swung his legs down to the ground and smiled. "No. I'm just trying to make you so jealous that you drop your quill, shove me against the wall and bugger me with furious abandon."

Severus looked down at the quill as it fell from his hands. He then stood with a feral grin and whispered, "Why didn't you just say so."


End file.
